I am 38 years old and happy. For the first time, truly happy. I am madly in love with an incredible man, we have a gorgeous 10 month old who lights up our lives, and we live in an amazing home in New York City, a place I have wanted to live since I was eleven years old. I spend most of my afternoons strolling the baby through Central Park, wondering things like, "should I take in the MET?" or "what is the next Broadway show we should see?" Most evenings are spent slow dancing with the love of my life after an amazing meal that
he has cooked while the baby sleeps soundly close by. We have friends on both coasts that love us at our worst and challenge us at our best. Our families, who have always supported and loved us, share in our joy and want to celebrate us as much as possible. On a daily basis, I experience God in a magical way. This is my life. And before you vomit, let me tell you what it was like for me less than 2 years ago.
I was mis-er-a-ble. My afternoons were spent in total anxiety of how I was going to squeeze rent out the the 1200 dollars a month I was making at my 10th waitressing job. My nights were filled with fun things like crying with my roommate's cats, complaining to them that I would never be the actress I always thought I was supposed to be, eating 3 day-old left overs, and watching Law and Order marathons. I mean, I had my health. I had family and friends. That all didn't matter. I believed myself to be unsuccessful in this thing called life. Up until that point, I had been attracted to unavailable men. That meant that if they had a girlfriend, had zero desire to be in a relationship, or were emotionally bankrupt, I was head-over-heals. It took me a while to realize that this had little to do with them and everything to do with me. I had the horrible feeling that I was totally incapable of love and that, at the age of 36, I was too old to find it. I definitely was never going to be a mother because, again, I was too old and that if I wasn't able to remember to buy toilet paper for myself, how would I ever be able to care for a child? I was destined for a life of solitude and misery. I welcomed it.
Then a very important thing happened to me. While attending the University of Santa Monica for a Masters in Spiritual Psychology (what is that?! Something we will come back to...often) I was asked to "keep going deeper" in my process to find my heart's truest desire.
I went within and asked my soul, "What do you want to experience in this life? What do you hope for?" And, after years of suppression, a sweet, soft voice said,
"To love and be loved. To participate as a partner in love, marriage, and family."
Then my ego coughed, " Excuse me?! What about being an actress? What about fame? Our name in lights? Need I remind you of your your relationship history or lack thereof?!"
And for the first time ever, I said,"That is not the truth of my being. I want to love. It's time."
To anchor this knowing, I stood in front of my class and faculty (200-ish people in total) on a microphone and announced that I wanted to "prepare myself for marriage and family." I immediately started to laugh hysterically. I mean, there wasn't a guy in sight, no prospects what-so-ever. It was entirely odd, but oh, so right. The energy of the truth vibrated through my body causing me to giggle. Yes, this is what I really wanted. That was October 11, 2009. On October 17, 2009, I met Daniel, the love of my life.
Yes, my preparation for love only took 6 days. Well, that isn't exactly true. I had done some significant work on myself over the last year that enabled me to stand up and claim what I wanted. The minute I declared it, the Universe heard me and for the first time in my life, I was in complete alignment with what I was asking for. I was a clear channel to receive and had zero attachment to the result, so POOF! There he was. This is why I am called to write about it. Many people have heard my story and have asked for guidance. "How did you do it?" Others have simply exclaimed, "No f-ing way!"
"Way!" I say.
I want to share my story and my process with you-- what it was I did to co-create with God/the universe/Spirit (I will use all three to mean the same thing) my magical life-- because for a long time, I didn't think love was possible. I want you to know it is...FOR YOU. You are so worthy of an incredible love story of your own. I believe that through the work I did, I was able to change my consciousness and therefore, my life's course. I was so scared and full of doubt, but I was able to transform. In the posts to come, I'll share the steps I took and if you feel called to do work, I encourage you to do so. Love is waiting for you.
So, story before process. It's a very sweet story. One that I hope gives you, well, hope.
Daniel and I had actually been introduced 16 years prior to our October date. It was in college through a dear friend of ours, Robin. Robin had been our drama teacher in high school. Neither one of us remember the evening very well. (Robin does, though. She lost her leather jacket with Billy Joel tickets in the pocket. Bummer!) Daniel and I had other paths to follow, apparently.
My path included a try at show business in Los Angeles. Oddly enough, so did his. He was in the "business" and I was all about the "show." I stayed in LA, faintly knocking on doors. He moved to NYC to give that coast a go. I made several trips to his city (and paid homage daily to the shrine dedicated to NYC in my apartment) while he visited, sometimes staying, in mine. We basically made circles around each other for years, each of us having our own stories of relationship successes and failures. He contacted me on Facebook (while working for Myspace, tee hee) through mutual friends. See, we grew up in the same town, went to the same high school (4 years apart) and the same college. We would occasionally pop up on the "you might know" section of the Facebook home page. So, after 16 years, he decided to send me a note that simply said, "I am town and would love to take you to dinner." (I later asked him what inspired him to ask me out after so many years. He, with a knowing smile, said, "The red dress on Facebook, of course.") Had I not gotten up in front of my classmates and said that I was open to finding love, I don't know if I would have said yes. I was now willing to date and an invitation had randomly appeared. I HAD to say yes. The Universe was up to something, even if was just to observe my willingness. I called him to accept (a message that is still saved on his voice mail) and we were on for dinner.
I was working that afternoon and evening and only had a 3 hour window. We made plans that he would come by the bar where I was slinging beers and take it from there. We were able to leave and head up to the Hollywood Hills for some food.
During our incredible dinner, I began to hear, if only so slightly, the gigantic gong Spirit was playing in my ear. During the appetizers, I found out that, not only did we have several friends in common, but that our parents live less than a mile apart from each other (in Kansas) and that both sets of parents have been married over forty years. Over the entrees, we discovered that our mothers went to the same high school and that Daniel's dad sold his company to my dearest friend's father. And finally, while eating dessert, we revealed the most wonderful connection.
Jeff was a very close friend of my family. He was paralyzed from the neck down in a tragic accident during a high school football game. My father was his physician and through their work together, Jeff became my father's best friend. Jeff was like a brother to me. (I use past tense purposely. Jeff passed away about 12 years ago.) During college, Daniel took care of Jeff. He saw that Jeff was showered, fed, and walked to class every day, and put to bed every night . Because Daniel had lived with Jeff during those years, he had already met my father. Shivers went up and down my spine. "I hear you, Jeff" was all I could think. I am pretty convinced that Jeff had everything to do with putting us across that dinner table from one another.
After dinner, we went for a drive. We went to the top of the Hollywood Hills and got out of the car. "Take a look at your city, " Daniel says to me. We stood there, silent. Smiling. He says today that he knew at that moment that he was going to be taking me away from LA. I tell him he's full of it. Truth is, I knew something extraordinary was happening, too, I just wasn't sure exactly what.
The next day, he called to see if we could go out again. I said that I was getting ready to go out of town for the week and couldn't meet up with him. We agreed that the next time we saw each other, it should be on his turf. His turf just happened to be 4 blocks from a hotel I stayed at less than 2 years prior. That particular trip to NYC was incredibly significant (a story for another post) so again, I heard the gong.
Even though he wanted to fly me out the next weekend, we made plans for me to come for a weekend visit a month from that day. This turned out to be the perfect amount of time apart. We talked every day and got to know each other, finding even more things in common...things like our faith, our family values, our shared interest in art and theatre, and our deep love for classic (and not so classic) 70's rock. Each day we spoke, I couldn't wait for what else would be revealed.
My departure date finally arrived. On the way to the airport, I said to my roommate that I wanted a "bit of magic"during my trip because New York had always been a very magical city for me. I prayed as I approached the gate that I would stand in my truth and not have any expectations. I was going to let God take me on an adventure. And the first stop on my adventure was the LAX gift shop for something cheesy for my new "special" friend (?).
When one wants cheesy, one doesn't have to go far in an LAX gift shop. Shot glasses, neon t-shirts, and magnets galore. I opted for a magnet because a. he probably already had a hot pink hoody that said, "venice beach lifeguard" on it and b. I had never before bought a magnet . It was cute. I kept in in my hand as I dialed Daniel's number to relay my flight status and current location.
"Ah, LAX," he says. "The last time I was there I bought a refrigerator magnet because I collect them."
"What?" I say as I tightly grip the one in my hand.
"Yep. I have a collection of magnets."
(jaw on floor) "ummmmm...I have one in my hand for you."
"Oh, that's nice. Maybe it's the same one."
"No, " I say. "You don't understand. I have NEVER bought a magnet in my life."
"So...Is your flight on time??" As if this was a normal, everyday exchange.
At that moment, I totally surrendered to the ride, knowing it was going to be a doozy.
That 3 day weekend turned into a 10 day dream-like, romance of lifetime.
I fell in love, met his family and cooked a Thanksgiving dinner (I had never cooked a day in my life). We laughed walking through the park, kissed listening to jazz, and held hands watching 4 Broadway plays. One of the shows was West Side Story. Daniel's niece, Maddie, had been watching WSS in school, but had missed the ending because she left school early to come to NYC. I asked her if she would like to see it live because I happened to know someone in the cast. (Funny thing about Maddie...She was eleven and this was her first trip to New York. I was eleven when I came to New York for the first time and fell in love with Broadway. It was on that trip that I decided to become an actress.) My friend in WSS was able to get us tickets and a backstage tour. During the tour, as we walked amongst set pieces and met the stars of the show, something became clear -- Everything had led me up to this moment. And as I stood center stage, alone -- a place I had dreamt of being for so many years-- I began to see how it all connected. A perfect web of events seemed to weave in front of me... My first Broadway show at age eleven. Going to my high school to meet Robin, who nurtured not only my love of theatre but my soul -- staying friends so that she could introduce me to Daniel. My love of theatre inspiring my obsession with New York and my visits to the city amping up my desire to live there, making a move to be with Daniel so effortless. A transfer to the University of Kansas my junior year so that I could meet Daniel. The relationships of our past preparing us for each other. USM (and the seven years between finding the school and applying) encouraging me to stand up in front of my classmates and claim my truth...All of these events had led me to that exact moment of standing on that stage at the Palace Theatre. My life made sense for the first time and now, a new journey was about to begin.
We continued a long distance relationship, seeing each other twice a month for a week at a time. 4 months later, I was pregnant. 4 months after that, I finished grad school and moved to NYC. And just two weeks after celebrating the year anniversary of our first lovely dinner date, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy on the planet.
Oh, the actress in West Side Story who gave us the backstage tour? She's Robin's daughter, Kaitlin. I babysat her when she was 2 weeks old. She now babysits my son.
Way.
