I haven't written in a while because I have realized something. I may know how to MANIFEST love, but I am a novice at relationship. The work it takes, wow. The past few months have been focused on my family. I am a wife and a mother now. I asked for this. Now, I must roll up my sleeves and dig deep. With that said, my husband has the day off and has chosen to spend it working as "The Dad." He has given me the gift of time to express my gratitude in writing. I'm a very lucky girl.
So, to play catch up, I have gotten married and have given birth in the half year. So many gifts. So much Divinity. In those months, I have reflected on my wedding day so often. I wanted to write that day. I wanted to share with you my gratitude for what was happening, but I just couldn't squeeze it in like I had to squeeze my pregnant self into my dress. I was so busy. But even though I had so much to do, I found quiet moments to reflect and in those moments I was somewhat surprised at what came forward. I was able to see the gifts of my past that had unknowingly prepared me for my future.
I found myself thinking back on, of all things, my past loves -- the heartbreaks, the mistakes, the sweetness. It was lovely. I could really see how EACH ONE of my "boyfriends" had given me something, a little gift to carry with me towards my life-partner. Whether prince or frog, together one night or one year, I realized that I needed each one of them to bring me to the open, vulnerable place necessary to walk down the aisle. I saw each of their faces and each quality they left with me so clearly. I was able to thank them as my make-up was applied and my veil was pinned in my hair.
It may seem strange, even wrong that I was thinking back on ghosts of the past on my wedding day, but when I saw the reflection of my pregnant body draped in my soft, flowing gown, I knew that I had been prepared. That I knew that I had found the man of this and many life-times. I was heading to my future and I was happy, so happy.
YOUR PAST LOVES CAN HELP YOU FIND YOUR FUTURE.
Take a moment to think of your past boyfriends, lovers, and whatevers. Make a list. Start from the first boy you remember looking at saying, "oh, yes, he will be mine."
Cue Randy. He was the hotty that lived across the street. I was five and he was an older man. Maybe seven or eight. He was blonde and darling and I wanted him to be my boyfriend. He gave me kissing monkeys for my 5th birthday. I blushed for days. I thought about him on my wedding day. I thought, "Thank you, Randy. You gave me the gift of butterflies. You were the first boy to make my heart leap and stomach turn to let me know that I was falling in love. I felt those same butterflies when I met Daniel. Thank you."
Some guys on that list may be painful. I thought back on my first broken heart with such warmth and undstanding. I could say, "Thank you, Chris, for being my first real love. Thank you for your willingness to show me how to open my heart and how be graceful when it breaks into pieces. Thank you for allowing me to show my feelings without judgment. Because of our experience, I knew that I could have someone truly love me, warts and all." Chris prepared me for Daniel by showing me that I was worth commitment and the dark side of that, the feelings that came with breaking that commitment. What a gift!
Some guys taught me how to laugh and not take myself so seriously. I knew that I needed humor in my mate. Others taught me the beauty of diving deeply into our feelings and expressing vulnerabilities. Still others were around to show me that I "never want to feel THAT WAY again. " I thanked them all.
I could see the times where I was stuck in a pattern (for example, dating me that were not ready to commit because secretly I didn't want to commit) and when I broke free of it. I looked back and saw that I no longer did the things that made me unhappy in relationships. I could take my vows knowing that my preparation through the lessons of my past had brought me to the altar. I would only work TOWARDS love.
I could clearly see that the challenges of my past were opportunities for my future. That guy that I looked to build me up and tell me that I was OK taught me that I was responsible for building myself up and KNOWING that I was OK. It was up to me. Daniel gets the benefit of this and all of my lessons. He gets me at my best because I have learned from my past. What I once saw as "mistakes" in relationship were now opportunities for growth. I take the gifts of my past and keep them close to my heart so that we can both benefit from their lessons.
I encourage to look to your past. What gifts were left for you? What challenges did you have that could now be looked as opportunities?
I feel like I need to make a disclaimer here: Your past could be truly painful, perhaps full of real conflict and/or abuse. I want you to know that I don't make light of that. I do think looking on ALL of your relationships is in order to move forward. Perhaps looking at the abuse is an opportunity to understand your worthiness of a truly loving relationship full of nurturing and encouragement.
Let me give you an example:
I knew a girl who went through a dark period of her life in college. With deep sadness and self-loathing, she engaged in suicidal thoughts. Then one night, she was raped. A God-awful, horrendous experience. But during the event, she fought. She fought for her life. She stood up for the life she once thought she wanted to throw away. Years later, she saw that experience as a gift. A terrible night became a turning point. She now sees her life as one worth fighting for, a life she wants to live and live joyously. Now, this is a unique circumstance but I offer it as an illustration of the ability to see the gifts otherwise tragic experiences can offer. If you have been in abusive relationships and/or one-night-stands and still feel the pain of them and cannot move beyond that place, I encourage you to get a loving therapist to help you heal yourself. You are so worth it! And your next healthy, wonderful relationship is worth it!
Taking a look at your past and each person in your love-life, seeing how they have helped shape you, prepares you for your soul-mate. This inventory creates a clean slate for your new relationship. You no longer carry the damages, but the gifts, making you truly present for your future.
And as a side note, Daniel HAD to have been married once to be ready for me. I get the gifts of the therapy he and his ex went through together. I reap the benefits of the lessons he learned in the dark hours of his relationship. He is a wonderful partner BECAUSE of his past.
WAY.
