Sliding Doors and Blue Butterflies

Hi, there, friends. I apologize for not "writing". We have had a couple of crazy months and time just passed too quickly. My little family has quite a full plate these days. Not only are we expecting Conley's brother in July, but we are planning a wedding for April and for a while, we were thinking of moving. (We have decided to stay in NYC.) This is what happens when you ask the Universe for a full life...You get one! With that being said, I wanted to share with you some more ways that the Universe communicates with me.

 First, do you remember the Gwyneth Paltrow movie, "Sliding Doors?" I loved this movie. I loved it because it reinforced my belief that I will always be where I need to be when I need to be there. SPOILER: The movie shows two paths of Gwyneth's life (one if had she caught the train and one if she had missed it) ultimately revealing that she would have ended up in the same place and in love with the same man. This is so beautiful to me. It doesn't matter if you turn left or right, you will eventually end up right where you belong. You just need to believe in the outcome, the love or the dream. You will get there. It's time to trust.

My own "Sliding Doors" moments came within 2 years of each other. I was living in Los Angeles, waiting tables, pursuing my dream of acting. I had convinced myself that I would not have been brave enough to move to LA if I had not tested my courage first by transferring to a different college my junior year. I had attended Marquette University for 2 years and decided to leave after my sophomore year due to what I viewed as "more opportunities" and a chance to nurse a broken heart. I was sure that had I stayed at Marquette, I would have ended up a house wife in the suburbs. (funny...now, I'm a house wife in the city and I couldn't be happier. But at that time, I was hoping to become well, Gwyneth Paltrow) I don't know why I thought that -- maybe the Milwaukee energy or the Jesuit education...LA felt too risky. I transferred to the University of Kansas where one of my mentors encouraged students to pursue their dreams, although he tossed up several red flags of "it ain't easy." Pursuing acting in LA was still a crazy notion, but I felt like I had more support coming from KU. A lot of my friends from the KU theatre department had already made their way to the west coast and just KNEW that Marquette actors were more grounded and would never put themselves in the jaws of the sharks of LA. How wrong I was!

On a random day during the lunch shift at the restaurant I was working, I saw two very familiar faces walk into the dining room. My jaw dropped. Two actors that I had adored from Marquette were there to have lunch. When I approached them, we all laughed and hugged. I asked,"how long are you in town?" assuming that they were on vacation. "Oh, we've lived here for about 2 years." I came to find out that a handful of Marquette actors were in LA. We made plans to meet and catch up. And after my shift, as I made my way to meet them, I couldn't help but thinking...It wouldn't have mattered...If I transferred schools or would have stayed, I would have ended up in Los Angeles. I needed to have the experiences (ie. MEETING DANIEL!) at KU before I came to LA, but I would have ended up in LA if I had finished my college years at Marquette. For whatever reason, seeing those two guys convinced me that, no matter what path I would have taken, I would have ended up waiting tables in Los Angeles on that day.

Another Gwyneth moment came at a coffee shop on Sunset Boulevard. I bumped into a woman who had beat me out for a contract role on a soap opera. She was from my same hometown (or thereabouts) and we had connected a couple of times before the auditions through mutual friends. I enjoyed the audition process for this role so much largely due to seeing her, time and time again. (I think we were called back 6 times when all was said and done.) But the bitch beat me! JK. She won, fair and square. She was on the show for 2 years and did a lovely job. When I saw her at this coffee shop, she was a bit blue, however.  Her role had ended and she felt a little lost. Her ideas of the business were jumbled and she wanted to spend time in our hometown to regroup. I had been on the phone with a friend of mine prior to this conversation saying the exact same thing. I needed to recharge and get inspired. As this soap star walked away from me, I felt a wave of tranquility wash over me. I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. If it had been me instead of she who got the part, I would still have been standing in that coffee shop, having that same conversation about recharging my batteries with her. The Universe had a plan and in that moment, I felt completely on course.

WHERE ARE YOUR SLIDING DOORS? ARE THERE MOMENTS WHERE IT DIDN'T MATTER IF YOU WENT LEFT OR RIGHT, YOU STILL ENDED UP IN THE SAME PLACE??

This is the Universe just letting you know that you are carefully looked after. If you go one way, but maybe should have gone the other, you will eventually end up where you need to be.

I also think of Roy Williams, the coach of the University of North Carolina men's basketball team. His Sliding Door happened when he coached at the University of Kansas. UNC had asked him to become coach of their team while he was experiencing a copious amount of success at Kansas. Roy grew up and had family in North Carolina. He had been an assistant to Dean Smith there. He had a lot he could have gone home to, but he didn't. He chose to stay at Kansas. 3 years later, the exact same offer was made to him. He was SUPPOSED TO GO. You don't get an offer like that twice in a lifetime. The Universe said, "Here it is again. You went one way the last time. Try the other direction and see where it takes you." He said yes. He won his FIRST National Championship the first year he was at UNC.

I truly believe that there are no wrong choices. Only ones that might detain us from our dreams/loves a little while.

Now, BLUE BUTTERFLIES is a communication game I play with the Universe. Some days, I just need a little wink from the powers that be to let me know they can hear me. In the morning as I am doing a gratitude list of all that I am grateful for, I acknowledge the love and support I receive from the Universe. I also ask for a little sign that I'm on track. This sign is small and always very specific. I have never been disappointed. Let me give you an example.

I was working as a casting associate on a show and had a decently long drive to our location. In the car, I'd always say my prayers and do my gratitude lists. I was feeling a little strange, nothing tragic, just not on point with the direction I was going in my life. I was contemplating moving, starting another career...you know these times. Your head is pretty messy and full. I needed to know that I was ok. That the Universe was always listening and had my back. I asked if I could see something, a small sign that I was headed in the right direction. I wanted to see a BLUE butterfly. It was December, but I figured, what the heck. I don't know where this idea of a blue butterfly came to mind, but I wanted to see one. I get out of my car and head to the local coffee shop. The store was decorating for the holidays. I step up to the counter to make my order and get a glimpse of something in the mirror behind the cashier. Behind me, someone was decorating a tree and on this tree was, get this, BLUE butterflies. Every last branch had a blue butterfly. I could barely count the money I needed to give the cashier. The Universe had heard me.

One of my favorite "conversations" happened when I was in the process of another callback for General Hospital. I woke up in a spectacular mood, as you do as an actress when you are up for a role. I was in the final callbacks and felt prepared so I asked the Universe if I could see a star from the show that day for validation. I went about my day, taking a beautiful drive up the coast. It was about 9am when I got a call while driving. My boss from the restaurant I worked at called only to tell me that one of my favorite football players, Tony Gonzales, was sitting at a cafe in Santa Monica. He told me that he just thought he would let me know in case I was in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by. Well, I was nowhere near the neighborhood, but I decided to head that direction. I got to the cafe in 25 minutes or so, but couldn't find a parking space. I knew my favorite tight end had probably already left by the time I was able to walk into the restaurant. I was right. Tony was nowhere to be in sight, but sitting at the counter was a STAR from General Hospital. The Universe had led me right to him. I sat up to the counter and ordered some scrambled eggs and toast and giggled to myself as I ate every delicious bite.

TRY THIS!!! IT'S SO FUN. Be very specific so that when you see or experience it, you will absolutely know. I encourage you to NOT say things like, "I would like to win the lottery today" because you already think that is UNBELIEVABLE. You walk with the energy of doubt. Try something small and surprising. The Universe is listening. And remember, if the Universe takes care of a little thing like putting a blue butterfly in your path, just think what it is doing with your love life??? The Universe will lead you right to him/her. It might not be on your time schedule, but it will INDEED HAPPEN...

And as a side note, because my life has been so full and I haven't been feeling the need for that extra validation from the Universe, I haven't played this game in a while. A few weeks ago, I decided to play. I asked the Universe for a "gift from a stranger." In the morning, I took Conley for a stroll and got breakfast for Daniel to bring home. I stopped by his favorite coffee shop to get him a cup of Jo. I handed the cashier a 20. She apologized because she didn't have enough change. She handed me back the 20 and said that the coffee was on her. I took my coffee, my 20, and bent down to kiss Conley. Boy, the Universe really listens to me.

WAY.

Bethesda and Other Angels

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Sorry for the delay in writing. With the holidays, traveling to Kansas and out of the country, planning a wedding and enjoying the symptoms of the first trimester (yes, I am 11 weeks pregnant with Baby #2, WAY!!),  I got a little behind. I certainly hope your holidays were filled with the love and magic each of you deserve.

Ok, let's get down to business.

Bethesda..my angel. If you have been to Central Park in New York, you know her well. She is the iconic angel fountain seen in so many movies and pictures. She was designed in 1868 by a woman and the angel's femininity is divine. I developed a special relationship with this statue during a month stay on the Upper East Side in 2007. Here's a little back story of how I ended up in NYC that summer...

It was my friend, (funny enough) Somer.   She and I were having lunch in December of 2006 and she was going to NYC for a holiday visit. She asked me if I would give her something of mine so that she could leave it in the city. Just a little of my energy to float around the city that doesn't sleep. I only had my purse with me, but in it was this little stuffed angel that a friend had given me as protection and guidance. I gave it to Somer having no idea what she was going to do with it. She came back from her trip and did not tell me where my angel was left to live out her little life. I envisioned it on some Broadway stage or on a bench in the Mall of Central Park. It was wonderful knowing that some part of me, however small, was in the city I longed to live.

Come May, I was making arrangements to spend a month in the city. I couldn't wait. I loved going through Craigslist, looking at all of the apartments available for a sub-lease. I knew I just wanted to give New York a try, live in Manhattan and see what the beast of NYC was all about. As I looked, one apartment kept calling out to me. Even though friends of mine were trying to discourage me because it was expensive, I couldn't help going back to it. It sounded perfect. Out of the blue, Somer called and asked "what was up with NYC?" and I told her about the place. When I told her the address, she said, "Ummm. do you know that I lived on the same street four years ago? In the building next door, as a matter of fact." And then she said, almost as she was remembering it in the moment, "and oh my god! Do you know where your angel is?? It's at my friend's apartment around the corner from the one your thinking of subleasing!"

Needless-to-say, I wrote the woman subleasing her apartment and said I would take it. My only hesitancy was the price. When I informed her I was sending her a check, she asked if I would be willing to take care of her cat and for this, she would take 300 dollars off the rent. Teeeeee Heeeee. I was ready to leave that day, but had to wait until August.

I had an incredible time in that little studio on the east side. My favorite part of my day was taking quiet walks in the park in the morning. That's when I met her...Bethesda.

I accidentally stumbled upon her when I was getting my bearings my first day in the city. I knew I wanted to come back and I did so, often. I would sit with her and would in my journal, watch all of the people, or listen to the saxophone player as he played for tips nearby. I loved Bethesda. I felt like she was watching over me. On one particularly beautiful morning, I wrote feverishly in my journal about how blessed I was. How I had been able to listen to all of the people (and I mean from the time I was little) that were the Universe's messengers to bring me to my special place, right there at that fountain. I was able to hear God in the angels sent for me, disguised as my friends, teachers, and sometimes, total strangers. I knew that I had been led, that I had heard the voice of God through others.

WHO ARE YOUR ANGELS? WHO ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TALKED TO YOU ON BEHALF OF THE UNIVERSE?

In order to trust the Universe to show you your life-long love, you must be able to see how the Universe speaks to you. Up until now, have you been led? Have you moved to a new city because of a commercial, or taken a class that changed your life on a recommendation from a friend? These are God's special nudges to get you where magic can happen. I'll show you how I can see God in the Earth Angels that have crossed my path.

Shannon D.  - recited "The Unicorn" by Shel Silverstein in a speech contest. She made me want to be a performer. I think I was 9 years old.

Christine E.  - my piano and voice teacher. First person to tell me I was going to be an actress.

Jeff W. - my father's patient/friend and Daniel's good friend. We met when I was 11 years old. He is truly an angel, as he passed away 12+ years ago. I think he brought me to Daniel.

Danny P. - told me about the drama teacher at his high school. I chose to go there because of this conversation. I met Robin, my teacher, who later introduced me to Daniel.

My parents (duh!) - gave me the freedom to choose - my high school, friends, college, pursuit. Any and all things. I am so grateful that they let me fall on my face. I could go anywhere and I did. They took me to NYC and my first Broadway play when I was 11. That was the beginning. I was free to be me, and for this, I am eternally indebted to them.

Robin M. - believing in my talent and my magic and of course, introducing me to Daniel.

Steph, Rick, and Joe - who taught me how to see the romance in starry skies, Shakespeare's words, and a highlander's bagpipes.

Chris W. / Jason T. - one for breaking up with me and one for asking me out. Both helped make the transfer from Marquette to KU an obvious choice.

Amanda B. - a friend I met at KU who was a waitress and told me that she was working there because she could transfer to LA and pursue acting. I got a job there and did the same thing. I was debating moving to NYC or LA and this helped me to make my decision.

Michael B. - a manager who took me on 6 weeks after I moved to LA. I ended up getting an audition for a soap in NYC and it went really well. I knew after that experience that NYC and I had a very special relationship.

Robyn - a psychic that asked me if I had a drinking problem and told me that if I was "in an ambulance, I would be fine." I got hit by a car as a pedestrian that night and only broke my 2 front teeth. I got sober a year later. She also said that I had "the gift", too. I began reading tarot for people and I'm really not too shabby.

Christine - a woman in an acting workshop who suggested I take classes from her teacher. I ended up there for 4 years and met my AA sponsor in class.

Deva - told me her brother got sober at the church behind our apartment. It was the only location I knew had meetings. It was the first place I went when I decided to get sober. I have not had a drink for 10+ years.

Renee - I met 2 weeks after moving to LA. She let me live with her when I couldn't get a job 6 years after we met. She saved my ass multiple times.

Julie K/ Jay W. - both recommended a church that I began going to regularly. It completely changed my life and my relationship with God.

Gina -  a true soul sister who has the perfect thing to say. She has a similar love for NYC.

Kathleen and Steve - my awesome neighbors and even better friends. We lived in a darling apartment building in West Hollywood. Steve supported my spiritual growth and Kathleen fueled my love for NYC by taking me there for my birthday in 2006. I love them both relentlessly.

Karen - for turning around and smiling at me at my 3rd AA meeting and then later finding me after I left one early. Had it not been for her, I don't know if I would have stayed sober. We became very good friends. She has supported me in all of my journeys in manifesting the life of my dreams.

Mark H. - for saving me a seat at the Cabin for several months. It was there that I met Chin-toe who was purely responsible for me finding that darling West Hollywood apartment. The Cabin was a special place where I also met...

Sara O - She was the first person I shared my ideas on the love of the Universe. We were on the exact same page. She became a constant source of manifestation magic for me. She gave me the job that allowed me to save enough money to go to NYC the summer of 2007. She also reminded me periodically that I should attend USM. Soooooo grateful.

Big AC - he was sitting next to me on a plane and we had a conversation. He brought up his daughter who lived in LA. He randomly said that she lived in a "charming" apartment, but that she might be moving out because her roommate left. I just happen to have just had a conversation with my roommate and I was going to be moving out of our place. He gave his daughter my number. She sent me a hilarious email that made me laugh. I have been laughing with her ever since. Katie is a dear friend and I would not have met her without the help of her father, Seat 6C.

Somer - goes without saying...

Erik - helped make NYC in 2007 a kind and gentle city.

Nick S - We reconnected in NYC in 2007 after years to find that we were on very similar paths. He ended up moving to LA just a couple of months before I moved to NYC.

Ariel - introduced me to Shelley who helped me to get an audition for a soap in NYC in 2008. He also inspired me to do tarot more often and introduced me to several exquisite healers and teachers.

Shelley - We found out after Ariel introduced us that we both wanted to attend USM. We inspired each other to make that a reality.

Jillian - treated me to that weekend in NYC in 2008. We stayed in a hotel 4 blocks from where I live now. She also treated me to a psychic reading.

Meredith- the psychic who read me in NYC. She told me I needed to go to this "spiritual school", that I would have a "big love" at age 36, get married and move to NYC. He would have a "z" in his name. (Daniel's last name does...) It was the first time I said, "yes, I will have those things. I promise to do my part in making them happen."

Jayson - opened the doors of vulnerability, preparing me for my next great relationship.

Audrey - I read her cards once and we became fast friends. We decided to work on "Calling in the One" together which I believe, "called in the one."

Dr's Mary and Ron - their teachings of love and forgiveness gave me the foundation I needed to feel confident in my pursuit of true love and partnership. The second-year project at USM required me to get honest with my heart's desire and then pursue that dream. For that, I will be forever grateful.

Jenny N-K- a tell-it-like-it-is friend since college who really shared her magic with me the year before I moved to NYC. She is pure femininity and natural beauty. She and some friends showed their support by giving me a lovely shower before I left.

Lisa, Maria, and Stacey - supported me on my journey with Daniel when we were bi-coastal. A beautiful sisterhood.

Daniel - listened to his own angels and called me. What a blessing!

By listening to all of these angels, I am here in NYC with the loves of my life.

And then there are those friends like Marley, Nick S., Christie K., and Paige, who just make it all better- all the time. I encourage you to pay attention to EVERYONE. You never know who is working on the behalf of your dreams.

And as a side note, after 5 years, that little stuffed angel is still in NYC. She was recently moved from her previous location. Her "human" took her to a Broadway play, (one that Daniel and I saw together) and left her on the stage. The angel will see to it that there is a shift in my creative energy, I'm sure!

WAY!!!!