Seeing the gifts of the Past to be Present in your Future

I haven't written in a while because I have realized something. I may know how to MANIFEST love, but I am a novice at relationship. The work it takes, wow. The past few months have been focused on my family. I am a wife and a mother now. I asked for this. Now, I must roll up my sleeves and dig deep. With that said, my husband has the day off and has chosen to spend it working as "The Dad." He has given me the gift of time to express my gratitude in writing. I'm a very lucky girl.

So, to play catch up, I have gotten married and have given birth in the half year. So many gifts. So much Divinity. In those months, I have reflected on my wedding day so often. I wanted to write that day.  I wanted to share with you my gratitude for what was happening, but I just couldn't squeeze it in like I had to squeeze my pregnant self into my dress. I was so busy. But even though I had so much to do, I found quiet moments to reflect and in those moments I was somewhat surprised at what came forward. I was able to see the gifts of my past that had unknowingly prepared me for my future.
I found myself thinking back on, of all things, my past loves -- the heartbreaks, the mistakes, the sweetness. It was lovely. I could really see how EACH ONE of my "boyfriends" had given me something, a little gift to carry with me towards my life-partner. Whether prince or frog, together one night or one year, I realized that I needed each one of them to bring me to the open, vulnerable place necessary to walk down the aisle. I saw each of their faces and each quality they left with me so clearly. I was able to thank them as my make-up was applied and my veil was pinned in my hair.

It may seem strange, even wrong that I was thinking back on ghosts of the past on my wedding day, but when I saw the reflection of my pregnant body draped in my soft, flowing gown, I knew that I had been prepared. That I knew that I had found the man of this and many life-times. I was heading to my future and I was happy, so happy.

YOUR PAST LOVES CAN HELP YOU FIND YOUR FUTURE.

Take a moment to think of your past boyfriends, lovers, and whatevers. Make a list. Start from the first boy you remember looking at saying, "oh, yes, he will be mine."
Cue Randy. He was the hotty that lived across the street. I was five and he was an older man. Maybe seven or eight. He was blonde and darling and I wanted him to be my boyfriend. He gave me kissing monkeys for my 5th birthday. I blushed for days. I thought about him on my wedding day. I thought, "Thank you, Randy. You gave me the gift of butterflies. You were the first boy to make my heart leap and stomach turn to let me know that I was falling in love. I felt those same butterflies when I met Daniel. Thank you."
Some guys on that list may be painful. I thought back on my first broken heart with such warmth and undstanding. I could say, "Thank you, Chris, for being my first real love. Thank you for your willingness to show me how to open my heart and how be graceful when it breaks into pieces. Thank you for allowing me to show my feelings without judgment. Because of our experience, I knew that I could have someone truly love me, warts and all." Chris prepared me for Daniel by showing me that I was worth commitment and the dark side of that, the feelings that came with breaking that commitment. What a gift!
Some guys taught me how to laugh and not take myself so seriously. I knew that I needed humor in my mate. Others taught me the beauty of diving deeply into our feelings and expressing vulnerabilities. Still others were around to show me that I "never want to feel THAT WAY again. " I thanked them all.

I could see the times where I was stuck in a pattern (for example, dating me that were not ready to commit because secretly I didn't want to commit) and when I broke free of it. I looked back and saw that I no longer did the things that made me unhappy in relationships. I could take my vows knowing that my preparation through the lessons of my past had brought me to the altar. I would only work TOWARDS love.

I could clearly see that the challenges of my past were opportunities for my future. That guy that I looked to build me up and tell me that I was OK taught me that I was responsible for building myself up and KNOWING that I was OK. It was up to me. Daniel gets the benefit of this and all of my lessons. He gets me at my best because I have learned from my past. What I once saw as "mistakes" in relationship were now opportunities for growth. I take the gifts of my past and keep them close to my heart so that we can both benefit from their lessons.

I encourage to look to your past. What gifts were left for you? What challenges did you have that could now be looked as opportunities?

I feel like I need to make a disclaimer here: Your past could be truly painful, perhaps full of real conflict and/or abuse. I want you to know that I don't make light of that. I do think looking on ALL of your relationships is in order to move forward. Perhaps looking at the abuse is an opportunity to understand your worthiness of a truly loving relationship full of nurturing and encouragement.
Let me give you an example:
I knew a girl who went through a dark period of her life in college. With deep sadness and self-loathing, she engaged in suicidal thoughts. Then one night, she was raped. A God-awful, horrendous experience. But during the event, she fought. She fought for her life. She stood up for the life she once thought she wanted to throw away. Years later, she saw that experience as a gift. A terrible night became a turning point. She now sees her life as one worth fighting for, a life she wants to live and live joyously. Now, this is a unique circumstance but I offer it as an illustration of the ability to see the gifts  otherwise tragic experiences can offer. If you have been in abusive relationships and/or one-night-stands and still feel the pain of them and cannot move beyond that place, I encourage you to get a loving therapist to help you heal yourself. You are so worth it! And your next healthy, wonderful relationship is worth it!

Taking a look at your past and each person in your love-life, seeing how they have helped shape you, prepares you for your soul-mate. This inventory creates a clean slate for your new relationship. You no longer carry the damages, but the gifts, making you truly present for your future.

And as a side note, Daniel HAD to have been married once to be ready for me. I get the gifts of the therapy he and his ex went through together. I reap the benefits of the lessons he learned in the dark hours of his relationship. He is a wonderful partner BECAUSE of his past.

WAY.

Sliding Doors and Blue Butterflies

Hi, there, friends. I apologize for not "writing". We have had a couple of crazy months and time just passed too quickly. My little family has quite a full plate these days. Not only are we expecting Conley's brother in July, but we are planning a wedding for April and for a while, we were thinking of moving. (We have decided to stay in NYC.) This is what happens when you ask the Universe for a full life...You get one! With that being said, I wanted to share with you some more ways that the Universe communicates with me.

 First, do you remember the Gwyneth Paltrow movie, "Sliding Doors?" I loved this movie. I loved it because it reinforced my belief that I will always be where I need to be when I need to be there. SPOILER: The movie shows two paths of Gwyneth's life (one if had she caught the train and one if she had missed it) ultimately revealing that she would have ended up in the same place and in love with the same man. This is so beautiful to me. It doesn't matter if you turn left or right, you will eventually end up right where you belong. You just need to believe in the outcome, the love or the dream. You will get there. It's time to trust.

My own "Sliding Doors" moments came within 2 years of each other. I was living in Los Angeles, waiting tables, pursuing my dream of acting. I had convinced myself that I would not have been brave enough to move to LA if I had not tested my courage first by transferring to a different college my junior year. I had attended Marquette University for 2 years and decided to leave after my sophomore year due to what I viewed as "more opportunities" and a chance to nurse a broken heart. I was sure that had I stayed at Marquette, I would have ended up a house wife in the suburbs. (funny...now, I'm a house wife in the city and I couldn't be happier. But at that time, I was hoping to become well, Gwyneth Paltrow) I don't know why I thought that -- maybe the Milwaukee energy or the Jesuit education...LA felt too risky. I transferred to the University of Kansas where one of my mentors encouraged students to pursue their dreams, although he tossed up several red flags of "it ain't easy." Pursuing acting in LA was still a crazy notion, but I felt like I had more support coming from KU. A lot of my friends from the KU theatre department had already made their way to the west coast and just KNEW that Marquette actors were more grounded and would never put themselves in the jaws of the sharks of LA. How wrong I was!

On a random day during the lunch shift at the restaurant I was working, I saw two very familiar faces walk into the dining room. My jaw dropped. Two actors that I had adored from Marquette were there to have lunch. When I approached them, we all laughed and hugged. I asked,"how long are you in town?" assuming that they were on vacation. "Oh, we've lived here for about 2 years." I came to find out that a handful of Marquette actors were in LA. We made plans to meet and catch up. And after my shift, as I made my way to meet them, I couldn't help but thinking...It wouldn't have mattered...If I transferred schools or would have stayed, I would have ended up in Los Angeles. I needed to have the experiences (ie. MEETING DANIEL!) at KU before I came to LA, but I would have ended up in LA if I had finished my college years at Marquette. For whatever reason, seeing those two guys convinced me that, no matter what path I would have taken, I would have ended up waiting tables in Los Angeles on that day.

Another Gwyneth moment came at a coffee shop on Sunset Boulevard. I bumped into a woman who had beat me out for a contract role on a soap opera. She was from my same hometown (or thereabouts) and we had connected a couple of times before the auditions through mutual friends. I enjoyed the audition process for this role so much largely due to seeing her, time and time again. (I think we were called back 6 times when all was said and done.) But the bitch beat me! JK. She won, fair and square. She was on the show for 2 years and did a lovely job. When I saw her at this coffee shop, she was a bit blue, however.  Her role had ended and she felt a little lost. Her ideas of the business were jumbled and she wanted to spend time in our hometown to regroup. I had been on the phone with a friend of mine prior to this conversation saying the exact same thing. I needed to recharge and get inspired. As this soap star walked away from me, I felt a wave of tranquility wash over me. I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. If it had been me instead of she who got the part, I would still have been standing in that coffee shop, having that same conversation about recharging my batteries with her. The Universe had a plan and in that moment, I felt completely on course.

WHERE ARE YOUR SLIDING DOORS? ARE THERE MOMENTS WHERE IT DIDN'T MATTER IF YOU WENT LEFT OR RIGHT, YOU STILL ENDED UP IN THE SAME PLACE??

This is the Universe just letting you know that you are carefully looked after. If you go one way, but maybe should have gone the other, you will eventually end up where you need to be.

I also think of Roy Williams, the coach of the University of North Carolina men's basketball team. His Sliding Door happened when he coached at the University of Kansas. UNC had asked him to become coach of their team while he was experiencing a copious amount of success at Kansas. Roy grew up and had family in North Carolina. He had been an assistant to Dean Smith there. He had a lot he could have gone home to, but he didn't. He chose to stay at Kansas. 3 years later, the exact same offer was made to him. He was SUPPOSED TO GO. You don't get an offer like that twice in a lifetime. The Universe said, "Here it is again. You went one way the last time. Try the other direction and see where it takes you." He said yes. He won his FIRST National Championship the first year he was at UNC.

I truly believe that there are no wrong choices. Only ones that might detain us from our dreams/loves a little while.

Now, BLUE BUTTERFLIES is a communication game I play with the Universe. Some days, I just need a little wink from the powers that be to let me know they can hear me. In the morning as I am doing a gratitude list of all that I am grateful for, I acknowledge the love and support I receive from the Universe. I also ask for a little sign that I'm on track. This sign is small and always very specific. I have never been disappointed. Let me give you an example.

I was working as a casting associate on a show and had a decently long drive to our location. In the car, I'd always say my prayers and do my gratitude lists. I was feeling a little strange, nothing tragic, just not on point with the direction I was going in my life. I was contemplating moving, starting another career...you know these times. Your head is pretty messy and full. I needed to know that I was ok. That the Universe was always listening and had my back. I asked if I could see something, a small sign that I was headed in the right direction. I wanted to see a BLUE butterfly. It was December, but I figured, what the heck. I don't know where this idea of a blue butterfly came to mind, but I wanted to see one. I get out of my car and head to the local coffee shop. The store was decorating for the holidays. I step up to the counter to make my order and get a glimpse of something in the mirror behind the cashier. Behind me, someone was decorating a tree and on this tree was, get this, BLUE butterflies. Every last branch had a blue butterfly. I could barely count the money I needed to give the cashier. The Universe had heard me.

One of my favorite "conversations" happened when I was in the process of another callback for General Hospital. I woke up in a spectacular mood, as you do as an actress when you are up for a role. I was in the final callbacks and felt prepared so I asked the Universe if I could see a star from the show that day for validation. I went about my day, taking a beautiful drive up the coast. It was about 9am when I got a call while driving. My boss from the restaurant I worked at called only to tell me that one of my favorite football players, Tony Gonzales, was sitting at a cafe in Santa Monica. He told me that he just thought he would let me know in case I was in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by. Well, I was nowhere near the neighborhood, but I decided to head that direction. I got to the cafe in 25 minutes or so, but couldn't find a parking space. I knew my favorite tight end had probably already left by the time I was able to walk into the restaurant. I was right. Tony was nowhere to be in sight, but sitting at the counter was a STAR from General Hospital. The Universe had led me right to him. I sat up to the counter and ordered some scrambled eggs and toast and giggled to myself as I ate every delicious bite.

TRY THIS!!! IT'S SO FUN. Be very specific so that when you see or experience it, you will absolutely know. I encourage you to NOT say things like, "I would like to win the lottery today" because you already think that is UNBELIEVABLE. You walk with the energy of doubt. Try something small and surprising. The Universe is listening. And remember, if the Universe takes care of a little thing like putting a blue butterfly in your path, just think what it is doing with your love life??? The Universe will lead you right to him/her. It might not be on your time schedule, but it will INDEED HAPPEN...

And as a side note, because my life has been so full and I haven't been feeling the need for that extra validation from the Universe, I haven't played this game in a while. A few weeks ago, I decided to play. I asked the Universe for a "gift from a stranger." In the morning, I took Conley for a stroll and got breakfast for Daniel to bring home. I stopped by his favorite coffee shop to get him a cup of Jo. I handed the cashier a 20. She apologized because she didn't have enough change. She handed me back the 20 and said that the coffee was on her. I took my coffee, my 20, and bent down to kiss Conley. Boy, the Universe really listens to me.

WAY.

Bethesda and Other Angels

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Sorry for the delay in writing. With the holidays, traveling to Kansas and out of the country, planning a wedding and enjoying the symptoms of the first trimester (yes, I am 11 weeks pregnant with Baby #2, WAY!!),  I got a little behind. I certainly hope your holidays were filled with the love and magic each of you deserve.

Ok, let's get down to business.

Bethesda..my angel. If you have been to Central Park in New York, you know her well. She is the iconic angel fountain seen in so many movies and pictures. She was designed in 1868 by a woman and the angel's femininity is divine. I developed a special relationship with this statue during a month stay on the Upper East Side in 2007. Here's a little back story of how I ended up in NYC that summer...

It was my friend, (funny enough) Somer.   She and I were having lunch in December of 2006 and she was going to NYC for a holiday visit. She asked me if I would give her something of mine so that she could leave it in the city. Just a little of my energy to float around the city that doesn't sleep. I only had my purse with me, but in it was this little stuffed angel that a friend had given me as protection and guidance. I gave it to Somer having no idea what she was going to do with it. She came back from her trip and did not tell me where my angel was left to live out her little life. I envisioned it on some Broadway stage or on a bench in the Mall of Central Park. It was wonderful knowing that some part of me, however small, was in the city I longed to live.

Come May, I was making arrangements to spend a month in the city. I couldn't wait. I loved going through Craigslist, looking at all of the apartments available for a sub-lease. I knew I just wanted to give New York a try, live in Manhattan and see what the beast of NYC was all about. As I looked, one apartment kept calling out to me. Even though friends of mine were trying to discourage me because it was expensive, I couldn't help going back to it. It sounded perfect. Out of the blue, Somer called and asked "what was up with NYC?" and I told her about the place. When I told her the address, she said, "Ummm. do you know that I lived on the same street four years ago? In the building next door, as a matter of fact." And then she said, almost as she was remembering it in the moment, "and oh my god! Do you know where your angel is?? It's at my friend's apartment around the corner from the one your thinking of subleasing!"

Needless-to-say, I wrote the woman subleasing her apartment and said I would take it. My only hesitancy was the price. When I informed her I was sending her a check, she asked if I would be willing to take care of her cat and for this, she would take 300 dollars off the rent. Teeeeee Heeeee. I was ready to leave that day, but had to wait until August.

I had an incredible time in that little studio on the east side. My favorite part of my day was taking quiet walks in the park in the morning. That's when I met her...Bethesda.

I accidentally stumbled upon her when I was getting my bearings my first day in the city. I knew I wanted to come back and I did so, often. I would sit with her and would in my journal, watch all of the people, or listen to the saxophone player as he played for tips nearby. I loved Bethesda. I felt like she was watching over me. On one particularly beautiful morning, I wrote feverishly in my journal about how blessed I was. How I had been able to listen to all of the people (and I mean from the time I was little) that were the Universe's messengers to bring me to my special place, right there at that fountain. I was able to hear God in the angels sent for me, disguised as my friends, teachers, and sometimes, total strangers. I knew that I had been led, that I had heard the voice of God through others.

WHO ARE YOUR ANGELS? WHO ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TALKED TO YOU ON BEHALF OF THE UNIVERSE?

In order to trust the Universe to show you your life-long love, you must be able to see how the Universe speaks to you. Up until now, have you been led? Have you moved to a new city because of a commercial, or taken a class that changed your life on a recommendation from a friend? These are God's special nudges to get you where magic can happen. I'll show you how I can see God in the Earth Angels that have crossed my path.

Shannon D.  - recited "The Unicorn" by Shel Silverstein in a speech contest. She made me want to be a performer. I think I was 9 years old.

Christine E.  - my piano and voice teacher. First person to tell me I was going to be an actress.

Jeff W. - my father's patient/friend and Daniel's good friend. We met when I was 11 years old. He is truly an angel, as he passed away 12+ years ago. I think he brought me to Daniel.

Danny P. - told me about the drama teacher at his high school. I chose to go there because of this conversation. I met Robin, my teacher, who later introduced me to Daniel.

My parents (duh!) - gave me the freedom to choose - my high school, friends, college, pursuit. Any and all things. I am so grateful that they let me fall on my face. I could go anywhere and I did. They took me to NYC and my first Broadway play when I was 11. That was the beginning. I was free to be me, and for this, I am eternally indebted to them.

Robin M. - believing in my talent and my magic and of course, introducing me to Daniel.

Steph, Rick, and Joe - who taught me how to see the romance in starry skies, Shakespeare's words, and a highlander's bagpipes.

Chris W. / Jason T. - one for breaking up with me and one for asking me out. Both helped make the transfer from Marquette to KU an obvious choice.

Amanda B. - a friend I met at KU who was a waitress and told me that she was working there because she could transfer to LA and pursue acting. I got a job there and did the same thing. I was debating moving to NYC or LA and this helped me to make my decision.

Michael B. - a manager who took me on 6 weeks after I moved to LA. I ended up getting an audition for a soap in NYC and it went really well. I knew after that experience that NYC and I had a very special relationship.

Robyn - a psychic that asked me if I had a drinking problem and told me that if I was "in an ambulance, I would be fine." I got hit by a car as a pedestrian that night and only broke my 2 front teeth. I got sober a year later. She also said that I had "the gift", too. I began reading tarot for people and I'm really not too shabby.

Christine - a woman in an acting workshop who suggested I take classes from her teacher. I ended up there for 4 years and met my AA sponsor in class.

Deva - told me her brother got sober at the church behind our apartment. It was the only location I knew had meetings. It was the first place I went when I decided to get sober. I have not had a drink for 10+ years.

Renee - I met 2 weeks after moving to LA. She let me live with her when I couldn't get a job 6 years after we met. She saved my ass multiple times.

Julie K/ Jay W. - both recommended a church that I began going to regularly. It completely changed my life and my relationship with God.

Gina -  a true soul sister who has the perfect thing to say. She has a similar love for NYC.

Kathleen and Steve - my awesome neighbors and even better friends. We lived in a darling apartment building in West Hollywood. Steve supported my spiritual growth and Kathleen fueled my love for NYC by taking me there for my birthday in 2006. I love them both relentlessly.

Karen - for turning around and smiling at me at my 3rd AA meeting and then later finding me after I left one early. Had it not been for her, I don't know if I would have stayed sober. We became very good friends. She has supported me in all of my journeys in manifesting the life of my dreams.

Mark H. - for saving me a seat at the Cabin for several months. It was there that I met Chin-toe who was purely responsible for me finding that darling West Hollywood apartment. The Cabin was a special place where I also met...

Sara O - She was the first person I shared my ideas on the love of the Universe. We were on the exact same page. She became a constant source of manifestation magic for me. She gave me the job that allowed me to save enough money to go to NYC the summer of 2007. She also reminded me periodically that I should attend USM. Soooooo grateful.

Big AC - he was sitting next to me on a plane and we had a conversation. He brought up his daughter who lived in LA. He randomly said that she lived in a "charming" apartment, but that she might be moving out because her roommate left. I just happen to have just had a conversation with my roommate and I was going to be moving out of our place. He gave his daughter my number. She sent me a hilarious email that made me laugh. I have been laughing with her ever since. Katie is a dear friend and I would not have met her without the help of her father, Seat 6C.

Somer - goes without saying...

Erik - helped make NYC in 2007 a kind and gentle city.

Nick S - We reconnected in NYC in 2007 after years to find that we were on very similar paths. He ended up moving to LA just a couple of months before I moved to NYC.

Ariel - introduced me to Shelley who helped me to get an audition for a soap in NYC in 2008. He also inspired me to do tarot more often and introduced me to several exquisite healers and teachers.

Shelley - We found out after Ariel introduced us that we both wanted to attend USM. We inspired each other to make that a reality.

Jillian - treated me to that weekend in NYC in 2008. We stayed in a hotel 4 blocks from where I live now. She also treated me to a psychic reading.

Meredith- the psychic who read me in NYC. She told me I needed to go to this "spiritual school", that I would have a "big love" at age 36, get married and move to NYC. He would have a "z" in his name. (Daniel's last name does...) It was the first time I said, "yes, I will have those things. I promise to do my part in making them happen."

Jayson - opened the doors of vulnerability, preparing me for my next great relationship.

Audrey - I read her cards once and we became fast friends. We decided to work on "Calling in the One" together which I believe, "called in the one."

Dr's Mary and Ron - their teachings of love and forgiveness gave me the foundation I needed to feel confident in my pursuit of true love and partnership. The second-year project at USM required me to get honest with my heart's desire and then pursue that dream. For that, I will be forever grateful.

Jenny N-K- a tell-it-like-it-is friend since college who really shared her magic with me the year before I moved to NYC. She is pure femininity and natural beauty. She and some friends showed their support by giving me a lovely shower before I left.

Lisa, Maria, and Stacey - supported me on my journey with Daniel when we were bi-coastal. A beautiful sisterhood.

Daniel - listened to his own angels and called me. What a blessing!

By listening to all of these angels, I am here in NYC with the loves of my life.

And then there are those friends like Marley, Nick S., Christie K., and Paige, who just make it all better- all the time. I encourage you to pay attention to EVERYONE. You never know who is working on the behalf of your dreams.

And as a side note, after 5 years, that little stuffed angel is still in NYC. She was recently moved from her previous location. Her "human" took her to a Broadway play, (one that Daniel and I saw together) and left her on the stage. The angel will see to it that there is a shift in my creative energy, I'm sure!

WAY!!!!

The act of giving thanks

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!!

This was not a part of the original out-line, but I couldn't let this day pass without saying something. It will be short and sweet.

As you are surrounded by those you love this Thanksgiving and you are taking account all that you have to be grateful for, there is someone I want you to remember. On this special day of gratitude and love, say an extra prayer of thanksgiving for your new love. As you feel the warmth of your friends around you, make a silent wish for him. Be grateful for this relationship now. Nothing can magnetize him towards you faster. Hold in your heart today the thankfulness you will feel tomorrow when you meet. I know that he is right there, waiting for your call. Tell the universe how happy and grateful you are to have met your mate. Surround his family and friends with love as they celebrate today. See them happily and joyfully anticipating YOUR arrival to their Thanksgiving table. One day, you will be celebrating this holiday together.
I know this to be true, my friends. An attitude of gratitude will shift everything in your life, especially relationships.

The week of Thanksgiving is special to me. 2 years ago, Daniel and I fell in love during the Macy's parade and turkey dinner. I am beyond grateful today as we are surrounded by both our families and friends. My wish for you today is that you may experience this grace.

I love you. I am grateful for each of you. Happy Thanksgiving!

Say it Loud and Proud

On October 11, 2009, I stood up and proclaimed out-loud that I wanted "to prepare for marriage and family." I said this miked in front of a significant number of people. Because there wasn't a man in my life at the time, I declared that I was going to spend time "getting ready" for the love of my life.  As we know, it didn't take long for my man to walk through the door. Truth is,  I had been preparing myself for that magical moment my entire life. I had just VERY CLEARLY stated that I was ready to meet the man I would marry and with whom I would create a family. After that special day of making that announcement, I began working on an intention - my calling card to GOD. This is what I am asking for.

The Universe is a YES man (or woman). Its nature is to give.  In order to receive that which we are asking, we have to be open to receive, but more importantly, we have to know what is we TRULY want. The Universe is waiting to create with you your ideal partnership, to be co-authors to your fairytale. You just have to ask (state your intention). But first...

1. Know what you want.
2. Realize the Universe does not hear the word, "NO"
3. Be careful what you wish for.

In order for those three "rules" to work favorably for your intention, you must

A. Spend some quiet time with your heart to find your deepest desire.
B. State your intention "Positively Present"
C. Be specific --generally.

To begin, what do I mean by, "spend some quiet time with your heart?" The quick answer is meditation, but a more complete answer is "soulful contemplation." In order to get to the truth of what you want in a relationship, begin by answering this question.

DO I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP??

Silly question, right? But it's really important. I run into so many women that say that they are wanting a relationship but there are no good men out there, blah blah blah and when I ask them about sharing their life with another and opening their heart, they scream, "Oh, no. I just want a cool person to hang out with. I have too much I need to do on my own before I meet the one." Ok, this is incredibly valuable information. Do you want, like me, a relationship that culminates into love and marriage, or do you want someone just to be your plus one? Do you want a close, intimate connection, or very casual?  You must get to the bottom of these questions first.

(This is weird time to do this, but I feel the need to state a disclaimer here. I am writing from my experience and as a result, will use the language of women seeking men. By all means, I include homosexual relationships or men seeking women in my "how-to", however, the language will not reflect this. Please know that LOVE IS LOVE. I simply want to share what I know to be true my fairytale...feel free to substitute the pronouns for it to be true for yours)

Now resistance plays into effect here. Some people truly want a casual, passionate dating relationship. God bless them. I always thought that I wanted just to be casually dating someone, but when he wouldn't call for two weeks, I was devastated. I would have to be reminded by friends that I was the one who said, "sure, it's cool. We don't need to be exclusive." As I cried and ate bon-bons, I had to be reminded of this. I was like the people who truly want the committed, loving partnership, but find that they are too scared for a multiple of reasons so they continue to say, "nah, just dating for me."(Fear is a huge obstacle in the way of what we truly want. We will get to the bottom of these fears in later blogs) For now, I just want you to know the truth. If any resistance or fear creeps in, ignore it for now. Just listen...DO YOU WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP??

The sweetest, softest most loving part of your heart knows the answer. It can answer with only love. The ego is not present here, only the soul. Some call this your "higher self" and at my school, we called it your "inner counselor."

In order to key into this part of your heart, let's do this...
Take out your journal and your favorite pen. Write the question, "do I want a relationship?" on the first page. Look at the words and say them to yourself three times. The first time, just let the words sit in your mouth. The second, allow the words to travel down your throat. Visualize the words moving down your throat into your heart and then ask the question again. Close your eyes, count backwards from one hundred, going deeper into your heart with each number. Open your eyes. Read the words at the top of your journal and write. It can be a one word answer or you could have a lot to say. Feel free to write or even draw as much as you need to.

If you come to the conclusion that you indeed want a relationship, please step forward. It doesn't matter if you found that you want a walk to the alter or just a date on Saturday night. It only matters that you are CLEAR that what you see on your paper is what is TRULY in your heart. We good?? Ok, moving on...

NO NO's

What we want to do now is construct an intention and  an affirmation to call out to the Universe and magnetize your partner toward you. An affirmation is a sentence or two that positively defines your intention. An intention is the end result you want. These will need to be written in the present tense with positive language. Negatives cannot be used in your intention or affirmation because you will attract exactly what you don't want. To illustrate this, I'll tell you about my friend, (we'll call her) Sally.

Sally was absolutely ready, willing and open to partnership. She knew that she was finished dating the kind of men (mainly players who had a flare for the dramatic) she had been dating and was bound and determined to manifest a great guy for a long term relationship. She knew the power of intention so she created one that she thought would clearly meet her needs. Using the present tense she said, "I AM NO longer attracting the wrong kind of guys. NO more drama. NO more players. NO men who are unavailable. I AM through. " Guess what happened in a matter of months??? She was faced with so much drama, approached by unavailable men (married, some of them), and all of them, playing the field. Now, in a way, this was good. It gave her an amazing opportunity to 1. see how powerful her words are 2. say "NO" to all of those kind of men that didn't fit her ideal. The problem was she couldn't say "NO" and spun down a negative spiral that only therapy could stop.

BE POSITIVE AND STAY PRESENT

An example of an intention: Soulful participation in a beautiful, intimate, committed relationship with an emotionally, spiritually, physically available man that culminates in marriage and family. This or something better for the good of all concerned.

An example of an affirmation:  I AM joyfully opening up and authentically expressing myself in the romantic relationship of my dreams, easily and effortlessly residing in our abundant loving as we dance together through life.

If you notice, I use a lot of feel good words. Because you will be saying your intentions and affirmations daily, you want to feel good doing it. Here's a list of some yummy words to inspire you.

abundant (ance, ly)        generous (ly)        open                          wonderful (ly)
adventurous                   giggling                 optimistic                  worthwhile
appreciate (ing, ive)       happy                   passionate (ly)           youthful
authentic                        healthy                  patient (ly)                yummy
awesome                        honest                    possible                      zany 
beautiful (ly)                  intimate                 rapture
bountiful                        joyful (ly)               respectful (ly)
caring                            jubilant                   roses
courageous                    kind (ness)             serendipitous 
daring                            kissing (able)         serene
delicious                         liberating               sexy
dream (y)                       loving                     tantalizing
easy(ily)                          loyal                       tingly
effortless (ly)                  magical                  unbelievable
express (ive, ing)           marriage                universal
fabulous                         miraculous            vulnerable
fun                                  new                        wild (ly)

After you have constructed your delectable intention, add "This or something better for the good of all concerned." God has a much better plan in store for us, always. I could never have put together that I would not only be in love with a wonderful man, but one who grew up in my hometown, knew my family, had the same values,  and lived in my favorite city. I don't have the heart, imagination or brain power  to create such a perfect scenario, but God does.

Be sure that your affirmation starts with the words, "I AM." This puts you living in your intention. When you say your intention and affirmation every morning (HOMEWORK :) ), really see yourself in the relationship of your dreams, feeling the feelings that you hope to feel.

BE SPECIFIC --Generally

We've heard "Be careful what you wish for because you will surely get it." Be aware of the words you choose. This is not the time to get too specific about the man you want to attract. We will work on those adjectives later. Right now, we want to concentrate on what kind of relationship you want and how you want to experience yourself in it. In my life, I have found that the Universe listens and listens well. Words like "a lot" could give you more than you bargain for.  "Taking it slowly" could keep you in a relationship with someone who is afraid to commit. Focus on how you want to feel participating in your fairytale relationship. Light a candle, play some inspirational music, listen to your heart, and begin. When you're finished, make your wish a blow out your candle.

As part of my own fairytale, I was not the only one that affirmed an intention of a romantic relationship. Daniel made one, too. He was living in his one-bedroom garden apartment in the summer of 2009. In August, his landlord came to him with the proposition of remodeling the basement apartment and connecting it to Daniel's with a spiral staircase. Daniel was all for this. When he shared this with a close friend, she said, "What are doing? You are doubling your space and your rent. Are you crazy?" Daniel responded with,
"I'm building it for her."
He met me 2 months later.

WAY.

12 keys to manifesting your own UNBELIEVABLE love story

   The Wizard of Oz is genius. Not only because our heroine is from Kansas, but because it teaches us that what we are searching for is often inside of us. The answers lie within. At my school, our facilitators often said that "our outer experience is a reflection of our inner world reality." Dorothy didn't like what she was experiencing in the outer world of farm life in Kansas. She wanted to be somewhere else, doing other things. It wasn't until her fantastic dream, a dream that changed her inner world reality from one of isolation and dissatisfaction to knowing "there's no place like home" that she found peace. She realized that she had the power to do whatever she wanted to do. She discovered that heart, intelligence, and courage had been with her the entire time.
   But it's not like she didn't have a few hoops to jump through first --that mean old witch, a few scary trees, some flying monkeys, and wacky flowers. We all have our challenges, issues, and vices to face. The trick is remembering that ALL of the answers are inside. When it came to love, I had to find that my challenges were of my own making, screaming at me like the Wicked Witch and in order to change, I had to get my ass on the yellow brick road and do some work.
   On this road, I discovered 12 keys to manifesting my love story. I'll be breaking each step down on the blogs to follow. Here's what you can look forward to:

• Say it loud and proud...creating a clear, powerful intention for the relationship you want
• Bethesda and other angels...discovering how the Universe has been speaking to you through others 
• Sliding Doors and Blue Butterflies...playful ways to recognize that Spirit is listening and guiding you to be exactly where you need to be at all times
• Seeing the gifts of the past to be present in your future...taking inventory of your past relationships (please do not be afraid of this. I will be here to hold your hand.)
• Fire, Faeries, and Forgiveness...discover how forgiveness is a magic elixir.
• To be AND not to be...revisiting your intention and finding out what is not congruous with it. Removing bogus beliefs and Competing Intentions
• If you want cheese, you must refuse the apple...how to recognize when you are taking what you really don't want
• Be the cheese...if you want romance, BE romantic. If you want loyalty, BE loyal. Becoming the qualities you want in your mate.
• Change the Set...a friend of mine says, "move your stuff, change your life." Taking a look at your environment to see if it "says" what you are asking from the Universe.
• Jump out of a Plane...No, not really... Unless?...Stretching out of your comfort zone to call your mate forward.
• Keeping the lines of communication open...How to keep your relationship with the Universe active and tangible through prayer and meditation
• Like a child at Christmas...BELIEVE that love is just around the corner. EXPECT at any given moment he could walk through that door.

   I would suggest that before you begin on your journey with me, you go out and buy a beautiful journal, one you will look forward to opening and writing in.  Next, find that perfect pen. I love felt tip pens myself. There's something decadent about the way they glide across the paper. In addition, I recommend purchasing the book, Calling in "The One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas and doing the exercises devoutly. She is able to put a language to the complexities of emotion/fear/hope/possibility that we experience in the search for love. I started this book at the end of September '09 and finished the last exercise on the plane to NYC for that first romantic week together.  I believe that the book played a huge part in preparing me for Daniel. And when you have your journal, pen and book in tow...come with me and follow the yellow brick road.

As a side note, I have a little more to add to my own fairy tale.  In 2006, I had a vision. It was a view from a window in Paris. The walls were white and the balcony was perfectly Parisian in nature, complete with an iron design, a flower box and a view of the city and hotels with similar windows. I felt that it was a hotel room that I was sharing with my love.  I cultivated this vision by sharing it. My friend, Jennifer, even found a poster of what I was describing. That was 5 years ago. Last week, Daniel had to go to Paris for business and he took his little family along. Our room had my window. In the City of Lights last Monday night on our 2 year date-aversary, he proposed.

WAY.

The red dress on Facebook

    

     I am 38 years old and happy. For the first time, truly happy. I am madly in love with an incredible man, we have a gorgeous 10 month old who lights up our lives, and we live in an amazing home in New York City, a place I have wanted to live since I was eleven years old. I spend most of my afternoons strolling the baby through Central Park, wondering things like, "should I take in the MET?" or "what is the next Broadway show we should see?" Most evenings are spent slow dancing with the love of my life after an amazing meal that he has cooked while the baby sleeps soundly close by. We have friends on both coasts that love us at our worst and challenge us at our best. Our families, who have always supported and loved us, share in our joy and want to celebrate us as much as possible. On a daily basis, I experience God in a magical way. This is my life. And before you vomit, let me tell you what it was like for me less than 2 years ago.
     I was mis-er-a-ble. My afternoons were spent in total anxiety of how I was going to squeeze rent out the the 1200 dollars a month I was making at my 10th waitressing job. My nights were filled with fun things like crying with my roommate's cats, complaining to them that I would never be the actress I always thought I was supposed to be, eating 3 day-old left overs, and watching Law and Order marathons. I mean, I had my health. I had family and friends. That all didn't matter. I believed myself to be unsuccessful in this thing called life. Up until that point, I had been attracted to unavailable men. That meant that if they had a girlfriend, had zero desire to be in a relationship, or were emotionally bankrupt, I was head-over-heals. It took me a while to realize that this had little to do with them and everything to do with me. I had the horrible feeling that I was totally incapable of love and that, at the age of 36, I was too old to find it. I definitely was never going to be a mother because, again, I was too old and that if I wasn't able to remember to buy toilet paper for myself, how would I ever be able to care for a child? I was destined for a life of solitude and misery. I welcomed it.
     Then a very important thing happened to me. While attending the University of Santa Monica for a Masters in Spiritual Psychology (what is that?! Something we will come back to...often) I was asked to "keep going deeper" in my process to find my heart's truest desire.
      I went within and asked my soul, "What do you want to experience in this life? What do you hope for?" And, after years of suppression, a sweet, soft voice said,

     "To love and be loved. To participate as a partner in love, marriage, and family."

     Then my ego coughed, " Excuse me?! What about being an actress? What about fame? Our name in lights? Need I remind you of your your relationship history or lack thereof?!"

     And for the first time ever, I said,"That is not the truth of my being. I want to love. It's time."

     To anchor this knowing, I stood in front of my class and faculty (200-ish people in total) on a microphone and announced that I wanted to "prepare myself for marriage and family." I immediately started to laugh hysterically. I mean, there wasn't a guy in sight, no prospects what-so-ever. It was entirely odd, but oh, so right. The energy of the truth vibrated through my body causing me to giggle. Yes, this is what I really wanted. That was October 11, 2009. On October 17, 2009, I met Daniel, the love of my life.

     Yes, my preparation for love only took 6 days. Well, that isn't exactly true. I had done some significant work on myself over the last year that enabled me to stand up and claim what I wanted. The minute I declared it,  the Universe heard me and for the first time in my life, I was in complete alignment with what I was asking for. I was a clear channel to receive and had zero attachment to the result, so POOF! There he was. This is why I am called to write about it. Many people have heard my story and have asked for guidance. "How did you do it?" Others have simply exclaimed, "No f-ing way!"
"Way!" I say.

     I want to share my story and my process with you-- what it was I did to co-create with God/the universe/Spirit (I will use all three to mean the same thing) my magical life-- because for a long time, I didn't think love was possible. I want you to know it is...FOR YOU. You are so worthy of an incredible love story of your own.  I believe that through the work I did, I was able to change my consciousness and therefore, my life's course. I was so scared and full of doubt, but I was able to transform. In the posts to come, I'll share the steps I took and if you feel called to do work, I encourage you to do so. Love is waiting for you.

     So, story before process. It's a very sweet story. One that I hope gives you, well, hope.

     Daniel and I had actually been introduced 16 years prior to our October date. It was in college through a dear friend of ours,  Robin. Robin had been our drama teacher in high school. Neither one of us remember the evening very well. (Robin does, though. She lost her leather jacket with Billy Joel tickets in the pocket. Bummer!) Daniel and I had other paths to follow, apparently.
     My path included a try at show business in Los Angeles. Oddly enough, so did his. He was in the "business" and I was all about the "show." I stayed in LA, faintly knocking on doors. He moved to NYC to give that coast a go. I made several trips to his city (and paid homage daily to the shrine dedicated to NYC in my apartment) while he visited, sometimes staying, in mine. We basically made circles around each other for years, each of us having our own stories of relationship successes and failures. He contacted me on Facebook (while working for Myspace, tee hee) through mutual friends. See, we grew up in the same town, went to the same high school (4 years apart) and the same college. We would occasionally pop up on the "you might know" section of the Facebook home page. So, after 16 years, he decided to send me a note that simply said, "I am town and would love to take you to dinner." (I later asked him what inspired him to ask me out after so many years. He, with a knowing smile, said, "The red dress on Facebook, of course.") Had I not gotten up in front of my classmates and said that I was open to finding love, I don't know if I would have said yes. I was now willing to date and an invitation had randomly appeared. I HAD to say yes. The Universe was up to something, even if was just to observe my willingness. I called him to accept (a message that is still saved on his voice mail) and we were on for dinner.
     I was working that afternoon and evening and only had a 3 hour window. We made plans that he would come by the bar where I was slinging beers and take it from there. We were able to leave and head up to the Hollywood Hills for some food.
    During our incredible dinner, I began to hear, if only so slightly, the gigantic gong Spirit was playing in my ear. During the appetizers, I found out that, not only did we have several friends in common, but that our parents live less than a mile apart from each other (in Kansas) and that both sets of parents have been married over forty years. Over the entrees, we discovered that our mothers went to the same high school and that Daniel's dad sold his company to my dearest friend's father. And finally, while eating dessert, we revealed the most wonderful connection.
     Jeff was a very close friend of my family. He was paralyzed from the neck down in a tragic accident during a high school football game. My father was his physician and through their work together, Jeff became my father's best friend. Jeff was like a brother to me. (I use past tense purposely. Jeff passed away about 12 years ago.) During college, Daniel took care of Jeff. He saw that Jeff was showered, fed, and walked to class every day, and put to bed every night . Because Daniel had lived with Jeff during those years, he had already met my father.  Shivers went up and down my spine. "I hear you, Jeff" was all I could think. I am pretty convinced that Jeff had everything to do with putting us across that dinner table from one another.
     After dinner, we went for a drive. We went to the top of the Hollywood Hills and got out of the car. "Take a look at your city, " Daniel says to me. We stood there, silent. Smiling. He says today that he knew at that moment that he was going to be taking me away from LA.  I tell him he's full of it. Truth is, I knew something extraordinary was happening, too, I just wasn't sure exactly what.
     The next day, he called to see if we could go out again. I said that I was getting ready to go out of town for the week and couldn't meet up with him. We agreed that the next time we saw each other, it should be on his turf. His turf just happened to be 4 blocks from a hotel I stayed at less than 2 years prior. That particular trip to NYC was incredibly significant (a story for another post) so again, I heard the gong.

     Even though he wanted to fly me out the next weekend, we made plans for me to come for a weekend visit a month from that day. This turned out to be the perfect amount of time apart. We talked every day and got to know each other, finding even more things in common...things like our faith, our family values, our shared interest in art and theatre, and our deep love for classic (and not so classic) 70's rock. Each day we spoke, I couldn't wait for what else would be revealed.
    My departure date finally arrived. On the way to the airport, I said to my roommate that I wanted a "bit of magic"during my trip because New York had always been a very magical city for me. I prayed as I approached the gate that I would stand in my truth and not have any expectations. I was going to let God take me on an adventure. And the first stop on my adventure was the LAX gift shop for something cheesy for my new "special" friend (?).
     When one wants cheesy, one doesn't have to go far in an LAX gift shop. Shot glasses, neon t-shirts, and magnets galore. I opted for a magnet because a. he probably already had a hot pink hoody that said, "venice beach lifeguard" on it  and b. I had never before bought a magnet . It was cute. I kept in in my hand as I dialed Daniel's number to relay my flight status and current location.
   "Ah, LAX," he says. "The last time I was there I bought a refrigerator magnet because I collect them."
   "What?" I say as I tightly grip the one in my hand.
   "Yep. I have a collection of magnets."
   (jaw on floor) "ummmmm...I have one in my hand for you."
   "Oh, that's nice. Maybe it's the same one."
   "No, " I say. "You don't understand. I have NEVER bought a magnet in my life."
   "So...Is your flight on time??" As if this was a normal, everyday exchange.
    At that moment, I totally surrendered to the ride, knowing it was going to be a doozy.

     That 3 day weekend turned into a 10 day dream-like, romance of lifetime.
I fell in love, met his family and cooked a Thanksgiving dinner (I had never cooked a day in my life). We laughed walking through the park, kissed listening to jazz, and held hands watching 4 Broadway plays. One of the shows was West Side Story. Daniel's niece, Maddie, had been watching WSS in school, but had missed the ending because she left school early to come to NYC. I asked her if she would like to see it live because I happened to know someone in the cast. (Funny thing about Maddie...She was eleven and this was her first trip to New York. I was eleven when I came to New York for the first time and fell in love with Broadway. It was on that trip that I decided to become an actress.) My friend in WSS was able to get us tickets and a backstage tour. During the tour, as we walked amongst set pieces and met the stars of the show, something became clear -- Everything had led me up to this moment. And as I stood center stage, alone -- a place I had dreamt of being for so many years-- I began to see how it all connected. A perfect web of events seemed to weave in front of me... My first Broadway show at age eleven. Going to my high school to meet Robin, who nurtured not only my love of theatre but my soul -- staying friends so that she could introduce me to Daniel. My love of theatre inspiring my obsession with New York and my visits to the city amping up my desire to live there, making a move to be with Daniel so effortless. A transfer to the University of Kansas my junior year so that I could meet Daniel. The relationships of our past preparing us for each other.  USM (and the seven years between finding the school and applying) encouraging me to stand up in front of my classmates and claim my truth...All of these events had led me to that exact moment of standing on that stage at the Palace Theatre. My life made sense for the first time and now, a new journey was about to begin.

    We continued a long distance relationship, seeing each other twice a month for a week at a time. 4 months later, I was pregnant. 4 months after that, I finished grad school and moved to NYC. And just two weeks after celebrating the year anniversary of our first lovely dinner date, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy on the planet.

Oh, the actress in West Side Story who gave us the backstage tour? She's Robin's daughter, Kaitlin. I babysat her when she was 2 weeks old. She now babysits my son.

Way.